15 December 2025

"Seed-Sourcing" is a collective open-writing practice.

These texts are process-documents - meaning they are spontaneous (written in 10 minutes or less) and utterly unedited. They are intended to be read only in the spirit of their context (i.e. - not treated as 'literature', but rather a trace of an immediate arrival in the moment, belonging solely to the shared practice).

ROUND 1

E: (recording on research group)

I am reaching my hands into a vat of warm oil. 

The heat is soft. 

There is no oil.

Not until I pull my hands out and begin rubbing them against each other. squeezing. wringing. pressing and gliding. slapping and grabbing and slipping and clasp. 

Then I know what hands are for. 

For making surfaces. 

Eli is traffic. 

Eli is empty streeted. 

Eli is bringing the morning home.

Eli has taken the dark and wadded it to a fist

and plunged it into the oil. 

Warm.

It has become tree again. Leaves and syncopated sunbeams and a trilling blinded light.

Cellulose decidedly see through thin like a friend who cannot lie without crying

or else laughing and then telling the truth two minutes later. 

Inside each car that passes is a planet 

I cannot know

but I can take the child gurgling preschool excitement at the stop light

and welcome his sounds into my mouth as my own. 

Eli knows that smack of hope. That flavor of Soon. Soon soon soon

the coming to be who, the more, the savory taste of deciding (only

and desperately true) what is my favorite color,

my most favorite hue. At 5 years old, that is the only name in the dark that matters.

I will say it again. 

Cerulean blue.

Cerulean blue. 

Might as well be the only me this morning. 

The only me that matters.

J:

What happens when I live in a state of unwavering trust?

To exist from the unknown universe of the deepest depth of the ocean.

There is an ocean floor.

Can this be the ground from where I put my feet?

The place where no humans have witnessed.

Knowing that beyond the surface ripples, 

beyond the massive swells,

wind shaped surface,

crashing waves,

beyond the perpetual movement, 

 there is wisdom in the place where light and sound are received through an attunement to within.

Unconditioning the Conditioned mind.

To be able to slip gently into the wakefulness of being awake

To rest in the state of non resistance. 

R:

Jess brought a cup of tea for me.

Nes is on the cushion.

I stepped outside and the dirty old fabric in the middle of the courtyard is so majestic, moving in the wind… But it is rare to really see it. I understand. Generally it is unseen.

I am on a hunt.

My life is an obsessive hunt and I can discard everything else for the beauty, the power and the meaning of this calling.

I remember the event at Bar du Kef.

I can become a configuration of sharp blades if needed. Like a tornado of blades coming from my stomach…

Now why would you say such a thing? Life is peaceful here. You can walk in nature… No catastrophe or war is happening… Why would you need to produce a tornado of blades coming out of your stomach?

The truth is I went to the ocean yesterday. It was night… the water was withdrawing, revealing the soft immense body of the beach… the wind was not so cold. The dark made everything so majestic, so noble, so wild, so electrically intelligent… It was not unbearable… It was close to boring, close to useless… At the limit between strange, useless, dark… on one side…. And the other side was like the first time getting intimate with the one you are wildly in love with…. When you enter that miraculous moment of touching the really intimate parts, feeling the strangeness of the hair in that place of desire…. There was something of that feeling….  

T:I start with a Yes, a resounding yes for radical life creation.I am present here now, fully, and now and now and now. I am a yes to the now.In January I will fly to Tenerife to join SOMOS, a land and community project started by my two colleagues and friends Lisa-Maria and Charlotte. This project is contexted in radical responsibility. After the two trainings I will be engaging in, I see little possibility for me to continue playing small here or anywhere I am, with whomever I am.I do feel time is running. Already at almost 8 years of having started a huge deep process, life change, being a peace-worker apprentice in 2018 at Tamera Peace Research Center in Portugal I am here in a suspended breath pause. I started there at Tamera learning how the systems of oppression of patriarchy, neoliberalism, religion, violence, war are all contained within each person, me included. That the real process of dismantling these systems is not starting outside in the already densified results of our deep unconscious collective patterning; but that the chance of real change begins inside, within, taking notice, realizing what is really going on and little by little addressing them through many ways. At Tamera there is a proposed culture of the new earth based on the context of transparency, collaboration, taking a strong stance for Life and a strong boundary to war in all areas of humanity, starting with the area of Love and Sexuality. This is where the work at Tamera begins. It is deeply political. It is deeply devotional.Along the way in 2022, I came upon Possibility Management. This is a set of tools based on radical responsibility. Why, radical responsibility means consciousness in action. Starting with taking a good look at the kind of thoughtware that I possessed at that time, taking a good look at my ‘underworld’ as another word for the deep unconscious where all the patterns of survival exist. Yes, there is a way for these to become visible and known. These practices of initiation is what it is all about. Old maps of feelings where anger, sadness, fear are all seen as bad begin to transform into new maps of feelings where anger, sadness, fear joy are neither good nor bad, they are a technology that when navigated awake they offer much information from our high intelligence. Step by step, new distinctions such as becoming aware that we are made of parts of our consciousness: child-ego, parent-ego, gremlin ego, adult-ego are all co-existing. And learning to practice navigating from the wounded-identity to the unwounded identity.Becoming less unconsciously incompetent. Making the shadow parts within more and more visible, navegable, inhabitable. This is how to win terrain within the many lost sections of the self.

This is the work.

ROUND 2

E:

We must all go to the woods. Not to be there, you see, but to walk into it. 

We must bring brooms, each of us, and sweep the roots clean and uncovered on the descent. 

Then we can lie on our bellies uphill and take the roots between our teeth like a horse’s bit

and be ready for when the earth goes sideways,

because it will. 

And we’ll need a good grip on something. 

Oh, the outrageous blessing of white sheets on a too-wide bed in a room where no one lives. 

This is the kind of nowhere that makes risking wise. 

What will she put on the line, Eli? What will she wager? What will she play? 

God is shaped like the one who sleeps with their limbs spread out full over the mattress,

as if every corner was asking for love. Today God will give it - in the wide shape of an X with a sole in each corner.

No - not like that.

On the belly. 

I dare you, God. 

Go lie down on the bed in a sprawl and count aloud to a hundred. 

I will come as quick as an inch worm and take off your socks. 

This is how the whole world will find You. You must lie like there isn’t enough of your body to fill the whole bed - but you must try anyway. You must try to fill it all, as if the sun wouldn’t come otherwise. As if the white of the bed meant that nothing had ever happened on it before. As if you are the first. 

You are the first, God. As if You are the first to touch all the corners. 

And then I can see how the sea has done the same. 

And then I can know lava. 

And wind. 

And sun.

And the soundless black sheet of the cosmos

with all its outliers. 

They will hear this and say I am mad. 

Never was there a better portrait of senseless - 

or else, Eli has found a more honest way to speak at a distance. 

To hell with the old stories. 

Where is your love? Where is your daily love? Where is your ladder up and down from the crow’s nest. 

I have not come here to be whatever I’ve thought I am or was. 

And neither did you.

J:

I had this immense anxiety wash over me again last night.

I asked myself my higher self about where is the root, what is causing this, where does this deep fear arise? 

I looked into my psoas muscles and iliacus. 

They are the deep postural muscles that support the skeletal structure in sitting, walking, standing, squatting, crawling, moving. You cannot train these fascial muscles in the same sense of how one  builds muscle tone. They need to be spoken to with quite attunement. 

In that state of panic, my words could not come out, I could not articulate this part of myself because it didn't line up with that particular present moment.

Could not 

Would not

Should not

Cannot

Cant 

Cunt 

Kant 

Yes, Immanuel Kant

Is enlightenment still the ultimate goal?

What ground is being held

what is mine to hold and 

what is not

It is clear this fear is held in the sacral energy,

It is clear this fear is in the pelvis

This hips flexors

This fear?

because it's the junction where the upper half of my body meets the lower part

I know the heart can reach the lower and upper extremities of my body, so why Is this fear so loud, so obviously throwing a tantrum to make sure its heard and seen?

How old is this fear?

There is this.

 R:

Ok… I really specified a prompt now… What would you really fucking long to live?

Like if Kramer asked me:

“Do you yearn?”

I have a memory of what it means to be with the spirit, the mind of Wittgenstein, Husserl… with the Spirit of the Buddha… I had some years full time in the library in Paris where this was all I knew, my world entirely… in the place of utmost honesty, clarity… these guys are not fucking around and they stand there, in the first lines of the war…

So, what do I long for…? To be with them… to be in that place… this is why I need to stand in contemplation of the vast, the fierce, the severe, the monumental, the austere, the crucial….

I say their names and everything goes to shit. Because our images are so distorted.

So then I need to fucking run away and bury myself in pure naked space… enormous, heavy, cold space…

My ex-wife is a daughter of a priest. With the name Jesus tattooed on the tongue. So… what happened was that I fell in love with the Buddha and then the worlds started to split apart…

But this is love… to just forsake everything, the whole world if necessary, for that true taste of love…

Now I ma writing like in a fucking diary.

I make electric poles and cliffs stand in the air…

I know how to love the body of the ocean… I am practicing the body of unity…

I step into the wilder definitions of truth…

Because it is so real… because we are actually, historically, in a place where fulfilling of the dream is no longer the issue… but the deeper capacity of choice.

T:

As I was saying, the work. It is non-stop. When I, someone who takes changing the world through transforming their conditioned self into something of their own conscious creation seriously, when the pain of living in a world where disconnection is the norm and isolation the only vetted possibility for survival, I choose to give it all to live a reality where I want to be creator and not a victim. Where real connection happens. Where winning is happening all around. Not just for me, or for another. But for all.Yes, this is a choice.

Choice is a power. To know each of us has the choice.Noticing the darkened parts of my consciousness possessed by the ego is a choice oriented by love. Love as an immense universal force of creation. So I will go to Tenerife, and since now I want to make it visible that I do not want to hide away in smallness. Taking a stance to live in consciousness in my life looks like me being present, speaking up, sharing transparently, being with what is, holding space for others, being vulnerable, going first, sharing my gifts and offers, showing up.I will be holding space for people online, I will be offering to meet up in spaces of deeper sharing here at the Temenos with each fellow and during workshops, I will call in for teamship, I will show myself more. This is my research on love. This is what I want to be doing. And this is really not about me. This is me getting out of the way so that the bigger work in the world happens through me.Am I a visionary? Yes. Am I an artist, perhaps yes. Am I a creator? Yes. Am I a being in the path of evolution? YesI want to radically relate because I value to evolve and be with each other where love can thrive and can help every being here thrive.I stand for Life.I am a peaceworker.I stand for reality.I stand for grief and being in real feelings.I stand for navigating the pain of what is still not here that I and others long for.I stand for collaboration and for connection.I take a stand for living in my dragon for the service of the Earth, and at the essence, the life invested in us.

L :

This place is consuming me.

These levels of frustration are not good for me.I don’t want them.

They teach me a lot.About who I am, and even more so about who I don’t want to be.I don’t want to be like this.I don’t want to feel like this.I don’t like myself like this.

After the last drive here, I learned something.Don’t hold your breath between two places.

This does not happen to me when I’m just traveling.I love the road.I’m good with the road.I’m good with not knowing where I’m going.

Now I’m going back and forth between two places.The last time, after eight hours of driving and four hours still ahead, I started to become anxious.After two hours of being in a severe panic attack, I pulled over and slept in a parking lot just outside Saint Malo.

I surrendered to the fatigue and the risk and the darkto falling asleep somewhere I didn’t know in daylight.I slept really well.The next morning was glorious.

I realized where I was.I had met a beach there in August.The beach recognized me.In august I stood there in awe, shortly because Nestor was not allowed on the beach because of the summer season and my mom was waiting with him in the dunes.But is stood there in tears because wow, its beauty. It’s relentless roaring beauty.I’m glad it remembered me.We played.There was magic.Anyway.

It’s not about getting from one place to the next.It’s about my attitude (thank you, Jess’ grandma) toward the in-between.

I LOVE IT HERE.I love this place.

I love the ocean and the moor and the valley and the stream and the enchanted forests.I love the grocery store and the thrift store.I love the places to eat and drink because they are so real.

It’s all so honest.Everything feels raw. Everything tells the truth. I like that.But not inside.I don’t experience that same level of truth-telling inside.Inside the temenos.

It often feels lonely.It makes me sad.It makes me angry.

It is nourishment.Something to chew on, something to weave back into the work, into the space.But this requires a level of safety that I am not finding. 

The loneliness I feel, maybe it’s a mirror.Of the self-indulgence.Of the lack of responsibility.Of a culture that is individual.

How do we live together with devotion in a shared spacethat is inhabited by selves?

I have not yet posted.I have not yet shared.

It is not different from not picking a cleaning card.From not cleaning before 2 pm on Saturday.

It is not different from not showing up for seed sourcing

and not communicating about it.

I might as well continue writing while you are all reading.

ROUND 3

E: part 3

I could not stop it - the light of a waking city. 

Today, people in white will take out my blood - liter by liter - through a small hole down a long tube into a glass, and twirl it around like a sommelier with a fine vintage. They will make my blood a brighter red before they send it back in.

I will watch.

Because I believe that colors know more than I do. 

I’m convinced that the red will tell me what life is for,

and that a redder red will have a brighter idea. 

Last night I heard an angel say that the world is brighter when it’s facing the sun. 

I am facing the sun now. 

Maybe I am brighter when I have to make my own light because I tell you that so much stirring is too loud for the voices I treasure. 

We spoke about this - the subtle sounds of the quiet and most trustworthy of voices. 

“I must have a walk.” Eli says.

“I must have a walk with each of them, one by one. Side by side. Child by child.

I must have a walk to meet the subtle voices so that I know who I live with,

and who my heart is holding,

and who my future will carry as kin on the longer roads.”

I tell you that sometimes, this Eli, she has inarguable thoughts. 

Our work will be begin when we know one another beyond the obvious. 

It has been beginning for a long while now - much before we arrived here. 

There are simply some parts of us that have not caught up. 

The middle of December is full of red. The car lights that haven’t recognized it’s day. The leaves that won’t fall. The Christmas pageant. The scarf. The fluids leaving my body. The lighter in my pocket. And the thread that I have in my heart of each of you in the time of dying and the labor of being reborn. 

We each came here to become something. 

I wonder how many of us know what it is. 

I wonder how many of us have asked,

or have noticed the falling away of some limbs, 

and the budding up of new ones.

J:

Her name is Yvonne. My dear granny.

Her goal was to know love. Her goal was to know herself as the state of love that she knew as her four year old self. Also to do the work in this life so she didn't have to come back again.

I hope she achieved her goal, the ultimate goal.

I got to get up, I got to get up.

Choice is a power. To know each of us has the choice.

Choose to show up show up show down show left so right show diagonal 

Show yourselves in all the light and darkness and all the diffused light.

Where is your love? Where is your daily love? Where is your ladder up and down from the crow’s nest. 

There are often no good answers in situations that feel untenable - where you must consider others and yourself. 

I like this word, thank you Sara. I understand why you are moving on, part of me is sad, the part that is weary of attachment. Somewhat fearful attachment.

Anyway.

It’s not about getting from one place to the next.It’s about my attitude (thank you, Jess’ grandma) toward the in-between.

To be with them… to be in that place… this is why I need to stand in contemplation of the vast, the fierce, the severe, the monumental, the austere, the crucial….

I dare you, God. 

The great narcissist in the sky (the name my therapist calls god)

Today, time moved quickly, I didn't quite finish the train of thought…. There seem to be too many junctions. 

We are here anyway.

Thank you for showing up.

R:

 There is a discipline of clarity.

There is a gesture of patience… of stopping.

Stop every judgment…

until you are firmly established in that place of the heart that is total, ultimate, fiercely real…

There is a skill of stopping.

The ground of truth is established in the heart… not our heart… the heart of the world… so I just stop all naive happenings of world or mind until the ultimately real is attained.

And then the party starts.

Right in the very marrow of this exact distorted and tangled ruin of possiblity.

It is wonderful things could be so entangled, confused, distorted, absurd, swampy, muddy, slippery, deceptive, smelly, paralyzed, tumorous… etc… etc…

Such a wonderful sight…

Why?

I stick my finger into the needle…

Pain…

The ultimate test…

Is your truth, your devotion, your love, stronger than pain?

Also…. Did you understand the nature of the game?

Really?

T: I know what I have heard from Sara, Lies, myself. This loneliness within the Temenos. I feel scared.Last week in my Tarot study space, with my teacher we threw some cards about the Temenos. It showed exactly that: disjointment. It showed the card of the King (structure of the Temenos) surrounded by crumbling energy. Pointing towards a deeply isolating and self-indulging fragmented state.I feel glad Eli has created a proposal for coming together on the 8th of January to give it a real look and start over. I am in. I am in for starting over in a conscious and present way. Even if I take this call from Paris or Barcelona, wherever I will be for dental treatment. I am there. This, my life where my body lives, eats, thrives, creates is primordial. As a creature who stands for community and village, I have given into the survival of isolation as a response to the overwhelming chaos I have lived at the Temenos.I have felt sad to not bring my own culture of Radical Responsibility here. I felt fear. Fear of being too much basically. Fear to be judged or confronted. Fear to confront. I do not want to confront, but I do want to be real. Thank you for bringing the reality here. To everyone doing it.The only possibility of change I have is to change myself. Therefore I am showing up with transparency. I will say it again, I do not remain small anymore. Meaning, I show up vulnerable, real, messy and with my heart open. Because my purpose is one and the same, here or anywhere else: to be of service to the evolution of humanity. I am humanity. The Temenos is humanity. The fellows are humanity. I am at service. And I mentioned how it looks like. And it is a balance of caring deeply for my body and caring deeply for the community and the connections we are together building.And yes, sometimes tending to myself means taking days to be in the space of liquidity because I just went through 3 months of tooth issues and am finally getting treatment. Sleeping for 12 hours sometimes to recover mentally, emotionally, physically.I feel fear of the next intervention, it will be 2 and a half hours of the dr. working on my tooth. A tooth that has received so much bumping, grinding and painfulness and tenderness. My tears run and run and run. Because this has been showing me yet a deeper part of myself that I had not been with.I want to share.I have been researching about dental biodecoding. My dear friend Alan told me about this.What I have found out is that this tooth is the part of the being that receives the mother’s passing on of internal structure. Internal structure is the structure within ourselves that holds together perception, where we feel from, how we feel, how we perceive, how we are held from within. The left teeth are the mother, the feminine element, the inner, the dark, the moon, the wane. This part needs now my adult level mothering to my own self. I have been doing that. Now it reveals a deeper layer. To continue becoming my own mother, to continue creating my own internal structure. Something that perhaps the one that my mother passed on to me was completely outdated and cannot serve my life any longer.Yes wow. Is this the art of living?I say yes.

L : I don’t like this version of me.I don’t like being frustrated and angry.I feel a numbness setting in. I know it’s for my own survival, but I don’t like it.

If they don’t care, I’m going to stop caring.That does not sound like me at all.I’d rather stay permeable, even in the hurt, than become numb.But it is setting in.I hate it.But it’s honest.I’m not going to pretend.There’s enough of that happening already.

Pretending to care.Pretending to be devoted.Pretending to be engaged with the field.

Radical devotion includes radical honesty.The ethos of the Temenos.

You want to hear another frustration of mine?Nonviolent communication.

This frustration grew over the years, witnessing it in many different circumstances being used as a cover for not speaking the truth. It’s genius, really, cloaking words in a frame that looks like care, allowing us to hide while appearing to lovingly hold space. That feels more like  gaslighting than like communication.I could do that.I also could have written about anything today.There is more alive in me than this.But I’m here.And I want to be here.And I want this to be what we applied for.

And I believe everything that is alive in usis here for the field.

So it would not be an act of love to keep this from you.It feels like a more radical act of love to share it.

Let’s meet by the fire. We humans all know the power of meeting around a fire. With love.